Our Prompt today is to remember a time when someone said something hurtful to you and to journal about how it made you feel. Example feeling angry, insecure, unsure of yourself, ugly, stupid...what were your feelings.
Some of you are thinking..why on earth would you want me to open old wounds and hurt again. I promise you that there is a reason and that this prompt may be one of the most important ones that you do this month.
I encourage you to write everything you are feeling out. Write until you have nothing more to say about the subject.
I know this is a tough one..some prompts will be. Monday we will start with a happy prompt.
Sending you Love,
Susan
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"This is gonna hurt like hell"...song lyrics by Sarah McLaughlin
ReplyDeleteI was 15 years old, sitting in my room in my bean bag chair listening to music, minding my own business when my father came in ranting about something that I can't even remember what about. What I do remember is this...he started kicking me, then he squatted down to point his finger in my face (he always did this, one inch away from my face to make his point) and said "you are nothing but a fat, lazy whore, that no one will ever want and you will never amount to anything".
From that day forward, I never felt that I deserved any better than what I got and that I would never amount to anything. Not long after this, my mother died, my dad remarried quickly and I ended up the rest of my teenage years in foster care.
I was always a big girl, big boned my grandma called it. I know now that I have food addiction tendencies. I wear my fat like armor against those that will hurt me. It's better to be judged right off the bat for the assumption that fat means lazy...then allow others to find out I could have shortcomings. I figure those that really want to know me, will look past the fat. I was never a whore and had few boyfriends and have been married to the same man for 25 years. The word whore coming from my father gave me the perception that all men think of girls/woman in this way that they are only good for one thing. Lazy I'm not...I'm a workaholic...probably because I always feel like I will let my boss, my co workers, my customers down. I feel like I have to work harder to prove that I'm not lazy. Never amount to anything...what exactly is that and what does it mean? I'm not wealthy, I'm not perfect, I'm not influential. What is my worth? I don't know that answer either. I'm in constant search of what my worth is here on earth. Never quite feeling good enough or worthy of anything good. This is the prophecy those comments left me with.
My life has been filled with bad thing: loss of my mother, daughter with cancer, addiciton, loss, bancruptcy....each time something bad happens to me...I remember my dad that day and figure this is what he meant and I'm getting exactly what I deserve.
When something good does happen to me...I always stand back and wait for the other shoe to drop, because people like me, don't deserve something better...or so my 15 year old mind won't allow me to accept.
Susan: excellent subject - took me all day to think about this one, because I forget after while (a saving grace of middle age, I think!). But I will be journaling starting now!
ReplyDeleteTricia, that was very powerful to read. Thank you so much for sharing. I too am trying figure out my "worth" in the world.....
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